Husbands are not pathological liars. They get trained to lie in order to survive the wedlock wilderness. Nine lies in husband’s survival kit to battle the sticky situation they will invariably get in. The number nine is not a made-up number. Extensive research has been done at local bars on Men’s brain; before & after the influence of marriage. Thinkers and drinkers have positively concluded that nine is the maximum number of lies a married male brain can handle successfully. Any attempt beyond nine is a recipe of disaster. The two digits complicates the things.
To be honest I wouldn’t call them a lie…It’s not a lie if perpetrated in self defense; defending your peace of mind & harmony of home. It’s not a lie if it’s committed to save some aggravation on your significant other’s part. Instead of calling them a lie, I would like to classify them as Savior Statements.
Before we explore the world of Husband’s nine lies or as we should say Savior Statements… let me first acknowledge the assistance of all my conjugally blessed friends who contributed some of the wisdom shared here. This also serves as a good reference for the new recruits into the matrimony club or nuptial aspiring bachelors out there. This may sound a horror story to yet to be ringed blokes, but hey you don’t stop surfing due to fear of sharks! There are dangers out there surviving as a husband, but again every profession is associated with an occupational hazard, being married is not an exception. Call it a marital hazard. You know how they coined the two terms Martial & Marital; wonder if there is a reason behind the uncanny resemblance of the words.
What takes precedence? Me or baseball? Honey of course you – that should be the parroted response. Juggling two priorities does not mean one is lesser important. In this case it is though. Remember, only husbands undergo the priority test
How do I look? Healthy! Always a safe bet. You can’t get in trouble there. I tempt to put a thought to the questioning body here …– “To carry & nurse a child, nature lends you extra pounds. Nature is generous & never asks it back even after the purpose is met. You are no longer required to carry it around you; there are easy options available to shed it off. Just don’t blame husband’s eyes for that.”
Is this dress good? Yes should be the prompt answer. For your satisfaction you may complete the sentence in mind, may not be on you though, without sending out any subtle clues through expression or gestures.
Promise me you’ll love me equally even when my hormones are at imbalance. I promise. I’ll convince my hormones to be considerate when your hormones are on overtime.
My mom is visiting us… Really!! Heart already missed a beat and still a smiley face should say — I am so excited!! Condition your brain to translate this Mom visiting statement internally to “your favorite team won the championship”. This will help you let out far better excitement – a need of the moment.
Am I old? Ten out of Ten times she’ll ask you this question in front of a mirror. Grab a wet tissue & start wiping the mirror. The intent here should be to make the mirror hazy not clear. Talk to yourself loud enough for her to hear … this mirror is getting old, needs to be changed. You know her birthday, she knows her birthday, the answer is obvious, just leave it unspoken
You think I have gained weight? Remember this is a trick question. Be prepared for a follow-up assault of dreaded questions. Weight is a tangible quality, so be cunningly creative & a diplomatic deceit.
First response casual Nah… And get involved with something else. Congratulations if your ordeal ends here, you are a master sham.
Fury of follow-up questions begins…
Q. But my clothes don’t fit any more …
A. The quality of clothing is decreasing every day. They lose structure & shrink after couple of wear.
Q. But the scale shows few extra pounds!!
A. Oh come-on that scale is already two years old. Their accuracy doesn’t last beyond a year. See even the warranty sticker says one year limited.
Q. You are not lying, aren’t you?
A. Remember your elementary school day confidence you showed when you said doggy ate my homework. Multiply it by ten and with that say …Look at me, you think I am lying, look into my eyes, you think they can ever lie to you?
Experienced husbands foresee the questions coming & they take proactive actions to evade them. Keep your radar on high alert, as soon as you see the first sign of a brewing question make a move & vanish from the vicinity of the question. When caught in a dire situation the best escape strategy proven over time is a proposal of a shopping trip. A time tested tactic that attenuates the ugly consequences of a response gone bad.
Some quick standard responses should be on tip of your tongue. Even a second delay & the responses are deemed as “hesitant yes” aka “NO” – an attempt of resentment, a highly frown upon behavior. You may argue, but I have a brain too, am I not entitled for a single two second thought? Not on these questions if peace of mind is your priority. Make a choice peace of mind or thinking brain. Again if your mind is not in peace, it won’t be able to think anyways. Peace of mind is prerequisite for thinking, so try to give that a priority.
Two dates you can’t afford to forget; her birthday & your anniversary to her. Carve out that special area in your brain & permanently glue them there. If all the easy access memory cells are occupied by sports statistics, beer brands & names of car models, ditch out the blood group and store those important dates there. In case of an emergency blood group can be determined in minutes, but forgetting one of the important dates has much detrimental consequences. The damage is severe & often takes years to repair. If you think registering two dates is too much to handle for your brain, get married either on her birthday or on Independence Day of the country you are in. If you chose the later, you will relish that day as no other day on calendar. Your whole nation will be celebrating the day with you, in a different context though.
So far we have discussed seven SSSs (Standard Savior Statements), the mandatory ones for all husbands. Almost every husband will invariably leverage these to save their moment. You also have flexibility of two more floater lies. Save them as your precious assets for those “must lie” situations or a special need moment. You might be lucky to get away with one or two SSSc, circumstances depending. If your significant other is a yoga teacher, it might offer you a luxury of couple of extra lies at your disposal. Again remember nine is the limit. You can’t exceed that number.
When I met Neema, amongst the list of things we differed, spicy savory was on top. Fried spicy savory is my taste buds best buddy while she can’t stand those tasty tongue tantalizers. During our courtship days she posed me with a challenging question, what do I love more her or spicy savory? Bearing in mind that response could have a long term consequences, I carefully crafted my answer. I said, “Honey you are sweet as nectar and nothing precedes you. However you know that rainbow is not made of one color, music is made of multiple notes. Life comes in all shades & flavor, little sweet, little sour, little spicy. It’s the savory that will make me appreciate sweet more than anything else.” My sneaky rambling not only earned me her for life; flattered, she developed taste & skill for tasty treats. Gathered all the recipes from around & even developed some of her own, her sole intent here to like the the things that I enjoyed the most. Last week she was diagnosed with a medical condition of throat that gets aggravated with oily & spicy food. She’s advised to abstain from consuming those taste health hazards while she is undergoing treatment and may be for rest of her life.
Saturday morning my daily web-surfing was interrupted by a familiar smell of greasy delights. Odor trail led me to the kitchen to find Neema busy preparing fried food of my fond. I reached behind her to turn off the stove. She turned around with a surprised look and I said honey, I think I’ve had too much of savory in life, little break won’t be a bad idea. Steam cooked food is a healthy alternative anyways. She tossed her head in question, to which I uttered “sweetheart I am serious, not lying”; a response quiet familiar to her ear. The questioning eyes turned into a loving gaze, with smiley lips & drizzly eyes she grabbed me into a tight hug, pushed me against the counter-top and planted a passionate kiss. Cuddled in her warm embrace I make a mental note, there goes yet another lie …